In the beginning... there was bullshit.

I've decided to start this blog because I need to talk. I need to be heard. I need advice and friendship and to feel just a little less completely fucking alone. You know I used to believe in god and that was nice. When horrific things would happen they were a test and it was okay because THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE loved me and was teaching me, of course I'm that important - I have feelings so it must be true! What a sack of narsiscitic bullshit that was. It took me many years of broken "promises" and metaphorical slaps in the face to come to terms with the fact that my god was just as likely as everyone else's and considerably less cooler (Thor hello??). It was hard to let that all go, especially after leaning on this explanation through all of the tragedy and pain that so frequently marked my childhood and now my adult life. But I did it. I retired my bible and the nightly talking to myself and begrudgedly joined the ranks of the agnostics. I still think about god often - the concept the possibility, honestly it bothers me quite a bit to not know something that seems like it would effect your life in vastly different ways depending on its existence or nonexistence but I try to let it go and just live. It particularly hard for me that living part. I don't have anyone really. I'm 36 yrs old and a single mom with two beautiful polar opposites for daughters. One is 4 and one is 11. Jasmine and Isabella respectively. They are half sisters. Both of their fathers left me while I was pregnant with them. I don't have parents. My mother a drug addict and my father a diagnosed sociopath. I had a best friend for 10 yrs you became my husband. The kindest most patient and generous person I had ever known. A military man without a hint of military personality about him. He and his daughter made us a family of 5. It was the only thing I had ever wanted with all of my heart. A family. Last June he molested my 11yr old while he thought she was asleep. Enter police and dcf and the worst conversation I've ever had to have with my baby and here I am again, alone, tragedy, metaphorically slapped in the face. But it's not just me now. My girls getting in on what "god" has planned for me too. Excuse me while I wipe my ass with this bible page. My Bella is forever scarred by the only man who ever wanted anything to do with her. And jasmine, I don't even know what to say to her. She cries and askes me where he is and when he's coming home. They both loved him so much and now both broken in different ways. I'm gonna stop for today I'm crying and I have to pick jasmine up from vpk here soon but I shall return.
~k logic